morning funny
 

thought id share this with yall

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of the season" Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a holy candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. What do these symbolize? Saint Peter asked. The man replied, "They're Carols"

Another
 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally,
the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this", said the man. "I
was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we
both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and
while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at
its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." What did you do?" asks
the doctor. Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.

Ok, one more
 

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The
blonde looks quizzically at her and says," You don't like getting flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a
vase?"